Oro's First Time
by Ada Kensington
Summary: His name is Jiraiya, and this is his story. It is 1975, the swinging seventies, and the Sannin are in their final year at the University of Konoha. Not that they're all that interested in studying. A birthday fic to celebrate the great snakey one himself.


AN: Happy birthday, Oro.

Stick with it.  It's a slow burner.

Oro's First Time

Hi there.

My name is Jiraiya. And this is my story.

At the time of writing, I'm twenty-one years old. I'm six foot three, weigh one hundred and ninety-three pounds and have platinum blonde hair and dark brown eyes. I'm a liberal arts student in my final year of the University of Konoha's international comparative literature programme and I'm in the middle of writing my final year dissertation on medieval erotic literature. My dream is to become an author and create a fusion genre that marries dirty, filthy porn with carefully crafted plot. Beautifully, heart-breakingly written love-making scenes could be an optional bit on the side. Hey, it's not impossible! I'm working on it!

I'm also pretty smart, though no one really knows it. Example: I know fine well that I began my third sentence with a conjunction. Why wouldn't I know it? Teachers are always on your ass about it at school when you're trying out writing for the first time.

"Do not start your sentence with a conjunction."

"Why not?"

"It is written."

It is written. How repressive. How Kafkaesque.

Over the years, I asked myself that very question: why not? Secretly, I started taking out style books from the library at the Academy – secretly, because if any of the other kids had caught me, I would've been toast. Alone in the darkness of my bedroom, I read Strunk and White by torchlight from cover to cover, and Partridge, and some copy-editing books too, but I could not find the answer to what I sought. Resigned, I accepted my fate, accepted their rules, and thus turned in 'acceptable' work. Enough to get me to university. Enough to get me by.

It was only years later that I discovered that the rule was a lie – a lame-duck arbitrary construct propped up by the crutch of tradition. That's what Oro said, anyway. He's one of my best friends. Oro gave me a book, you see. It was a book by Rom Harré, the philosopher of science. I thought it would be shit, long-winded and boring like the stuff Oro usually reads. But there was a sentence in it that solved all my problems. Oro seemed to like it, for he had underlined it in pen. It read thus:

"The explicit identification of the structure and components of one's conceptual system releases one from bondage to it." (Harré, 1972: 17)

Basically, the man said that if you understand everything about what you are doing – then, and only then, will you know enough about what you are doing to break the rules.

In an instant, I was released from my bondage to arbitrary style-constructs. Hell, I knew those rules like the back of my hand – and as far as I was concerned, it was time to break them, develop my own style, and make my work unique! I began to experiment in my private writings with relish. My love for putting pen to paper could not be satiated, and I began to want a reason to write. I wanted an official outlet for my creativity. The next semester, I joined a lunchtime creative writing group run by one of the guys from the modern lit department. His name's Professor Kato, a youngish looking guy in his late-thirties or early-forties who's always rocking the black polo neck look.

I hung around for a couple of weeks, penning some stuff here and there. It was okay, but I was painfully aware that I was not like any of the other students in the group. They were all interested in ironic, post-modern shit and were into vintage clothes and experimental theatre and other crap I had no patience for. I began to despair until my friend Oro, whom I have already mentioned, told me straight-out that my uniqueness is my strength and asked if I had forgotten Rom Harré so soon.

I realised that Oro was right and that I shouldn't give up.

That week, I turned up at the creative writing group with an extract from my current work in progress: _Jiraiya goketsu monogatari_. It's an ironic, semi-autobiographical tale of my life and sexual exploits during my first year of university, filled with humour and hijinks, and I chose to read to the group the chapter in which I describe (with a little embellishment) the sexy dream I had about my other best friend, Tsunade (she's blonde and hot – work with me here.)

In the end, I guess I shouldn't have been so nervous. Professor Kato was really impressed by my work. So impressed that he sent a copy of the chapter to the scholarships and prizes committee, who have awarded me the yearly creative writing prize and a student fellowship. I have to go to the function tomorrow afternoon and, man… I'm totally shitting it. That's why I'm writing this. I need the distraction. I've had raging insomnia for the past three nights, and in a moment of weakness, turned to my old friend Jack Daniels for comfort. It didn't help much, though, and I ended up cracking and knocking on the door to Oro's room, begging him to come with me.

You know I said earlier that people don't think I'm smart? Oro is the reason. He's _really_ smart. In fact, people have recently taken to calling him a genius. I don't know if that's quite right, but he has won loads of science prizes and undergraduate scholarships and honorary fellowships and has been to many an academic function. He knows the ropes, is comfortable with schmoozing, and will probably be able to tell me if I'm making a total arse of myself. Hence why I asked him to come along. He agreed, mainly because I mentioned there was an open bar.

He's in here right now, bent over my typewriter and sticking his tongue out in that way of his when he's concentrating really hard. There's a bottle of Dr Pepper by his foot, which he's just reached down for. Now that I think about it, Oro drinks a hell of a lot of Dr Pepper. Maybe that's his secret. Maybe Dr Pepper makes you smart. Tsunade is pretty smart too, though she's gone down the more practical route of medicine and I don't think she likes Dr Pepper. She's leaning out the window, shouting at her boyfriend Dan, asking him to get some milk on the way back from work because they've run out. Tsunade doesn't know about the sexy dream chapter. That's why I've not asked her to come too, because she'd kill me if she found out.

Oh well. I'd better go pick up my suit from the rental place before it closes. Oro's asked me to get a couple of bottles of wine for later, but I want whisky. Maybe I'll get wine and whisky. That should make things interesting.

_University of Konoha, student residence. Sapporo apartments.  
11/03/1975 (14:34pm)_

_**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**  
_

Hi there.

Jiraiya again.

I think I might have discovered the secret to why Oro is so smart – and let me tell you, it is nothing to do with Dr Pepper!

We have been sitting drinking in our tiny kitchen for the past six hours. Oro stopped working round about seven and I had picked up my suit, had purchased our alcohol, and had finished reading some stuff for tomorrow's New Historicism lit-crit seminar. Tsunade had a few drinks with us before she decided to head back and finish studying for an anatomy test that's coming up during the week. That left Oro and I to finish the wine. Which we did. And then we moved on to the whisky.

I don't know what it is about whisky that makes people want to blurt out really personal stuff, but I started talking about this girl I met at the creative writing group. Despite the fact she's into all the stereotypical liberal arts student stuff, she's really pretty and I want to include her in my next instalment of _Jiraiya goketsu monogatari_, if you get my meaning. I managed to get her number last week, and I called her earlier on, got chatting and I have a date with her tomorrow night. Success! At least I'll have something to look forward to now if I fuck up the schmoozing session.

Anyway, I was telling Oro about this girl and how I was certain she's a D-cup and that I'd bet him a good bottle of sake it was true, and he was sitting there rolling his eyes and being all high and mighty as usual.

"Honestly, Jiraiya," he said in that really condescending tone that makes me want to punch him sometimes. "If you directed half the energy you expend on getting women to go to bed with you into your work, you'd have a bestseller within the year."

"Oro," I said, "sex is my work. If I don't get laid, I won't have a novel. And anyway, if I'm boring you, you can fuck off. I'm not in the mood for a lecture."

I paused for a moment to take a strategic sip of my whisky and then I added, the thought only just having occurred to me, "You know what? I wonder about you sometimes. You never talk about girls or sex or anything like that. Come to think of it," I went on while I was on a roll, "I've never even seen you with a girl, or a guy, or whatever. What's the deal?"

"The deal?" Oro said, smiling slightly. "There is no deal. I'm just not interested in sex. Men or women."

A longer silence fell, in which a proverbial tumbleweed rolled past and a church bell tolled mournfully in the distance.

"Sooooo…" I said slowly, doing my best to keep the conversation going while my mind struggled to absorb this alien concept. "Does that mean you've never—?"

"Not once."

"Oh," I said, a bit lamely. "Right. I never knew. Errr… any particular reason?"

"I told you, Jiraiya. I am simply not interested. I prefer to direct my attention to higher matters…"

I think it may have been the 'higher matters' crack that ground my gears. I mean with that he basically belittled everything I had ever done in my life, consigning it to 'That Which Does Not Matter'. My writing, my girls, my fucking degree specialisation, my raison d'être. Everything. I don't think he meant it (Oro never means it, he's just an arrogant prick to the core) but it made me angry, and I began waxing lyrical on how there is no more noble a thing than love, how it makes you feel alive, how it – not money – makes the world go round, how it brings even the coldest, hardest-hearted demons to their knees. You know. All that stuff.

I also said that maybe the only reason Oro had not yet experienced this most pleasurable of pleasures was because he was always stuck behind his books or in the labs and he was short and skinny and freakily pale with weird eyes and that it was an unholy combination and that maybe it turned the chicks off.

Oro got a bit angry about that, and he said it was nothing to do with his physical appearance, and that he could 'acquire a partner with ease' if he so chose. I scoffed at that and said he had no chance, citing his woeful lack of experience as overwhelming evidence of the odds against him.

"Then I'll prove it to you," Oro hissed, banging his whisky glass on the table.

"Oh yeah," I said, chortling. "How're you gonna do that? Bet you a good bottle of sake you can't."

"Just you watch me," he snapped. "I'll be having that sake, Jiraiya, and you're going to regret you'd ever said anything!"

And that was the end of our little chat. It was also, perhaps, the big reveal as far as Oro's success is concerned. He is smart, true – but a big part of it is his lily-white, virgin status. I bet if he started having regular sex, he wouldn't get half as much studying done, which is a shame because he seems really determined to get some. If he does (which is doubtful) then I'll feel somehow responsible for the downward spiral. Sarutobi-sensei will be so disappointed.

Anyway, I'd better get some sleep. I've got an early start tomorrow. The function is at midday, and I'm usually only in the first stirrings of awakening by then. Don't want to trudge in there grunting like a cave man in monosyllables.

Later.

_University of Konoha, student residence. Sapporo apartments.  
12/03/1975 (3:03am)_

_**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**_

Hi there.

Jiraiya again.

The function went well. I was fucking awesome, if I say so myself. Professor Kato introduced me to a few of the movers and shakers at the university – people you never normally get to see unless it's graduation. I met and shook hands with the principal, the principal's wife, the dean, the head of the arts faculty, the guy who's in charge of the manuscripts collection at the library, the clerk of senate (not sure what he does, but apparently it's important), and some other bigwigs from the university museum. Better still, they had all read my chapter! And they loved it!

I ended up talking to them about all sorts of stuff. They asked me about writing, whether I was looking to be a professional author, what I wanted to do when I left university, when they could get a copy of _Jiraiya goketsu monogatari_, that sort of thing. Small talk, but the good kind of small talk. I said that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do when I graduated, and I said that if all else failed, I could go work for Sarutobi-sensei at Konoha corp. because I've known him since I was knee-high to a grasshopper and he's always promised me a job.

Their eyes lit up at that and I was suddenly bombarded with questions about Sarutobi-sensei.

While all the attention was being lavished on me, Oro was doing the rounds too. He had met the Principal and his wife before, and the clerk of senate too, but had never encountered any of the arts people. It must have been a novelty for him. I saw him standing at the bar talking to Professor Kato, at one point. He was wearing his silvery grey kimono with that black pattern round the collar that looks like lots of commas. In the middle of their conversation, Oro looked over and pointed at me and Professor Kato smiled and nodded.

They ended up talking for ages! I might as well have not bothered inviting Oro at all because he hardly spoke to me the whole time.

After a couple of hours of solid networking, the principal decided he'd had enough. That was our cue to leave. Shaking everyone's hands, I said goodbye, that it was a pleasure, et cetera, et cetera, and I went to find Oro. He was sitting at the bar and he looked strangely smug.

"What's up with you?" I asked, giving him a dig in the ribs.

"Nothing at all."

"Well come on then," I said, dragging him off the stool by the arm. "I've got a hot date tonight and I need to get ready!"

And here I am, resplendent in my finest, fully equipped and ready to roll for a night of drinking (and hopefully hot loving.) I'm picking Bronia up at seven-thirty (she's not from around here. She's a hot, exotic chick! How lucky am I?). We're going to see this foreign film at the local art fag cinema and then on to Kunstbar for some fine wine and flavoured vodkas and I'll tell her about my porn novel and how much all the big-shots loved it. If all goes well, we'll end up back here and Oro'll have to put his headphones on to drown out the sex noises again, ha ha!

Wish me luck!

_University of Konoha, student residence. Sapporo apartments.  
12/03/1975 (7:12pm)_

_**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**_

Shit…

I think I'm going to be sick. I walked into the apartment just in time to see my best friend in the throes of passion, being buggered silly by my creative writing group leader.

Do you understand what I am trying to tell you? As I type, my best friend Oro is being thoroughly fucked by Professor Kato in the front room! God, I think my mind is broken.

Bronia is still here, and she saw it too. She's a bit upset because she really fancied Professor Kato. Bad choice. I'm thinking now that he might be gay. We're finishing the last of the whisky together but I'm not sure it'll lead to anything. A mutual trauma fuck if I'm lucky. I put some music on a while ago, but we can still hear them. Oro keeps moaning and it's freaking me out.

Fuck…

Seriously! What the hell is going on? Oro doesn't do that sort of thing! He's a virgin science-geek for god's sake! Well… he was. Until about ten minutes ago.

Man… I want to just die of embarrassment already. I don't think I can ever look Professor Kato in the eye again. There's something about having seen your lecturer naked and grunting that just kills the whole air of authority.

I should've known when I saw him at the bar earlier on. Kunstbar is Oro's favourite place to hang out. I like it alright myself, but Tsunade and I prefer the stall next to the strip joint down on Fun Fun Street. I took Bronia to Kunstbar because she's a lit-chick and I wanted to impress her. There's always something arty going on there: someone reading their god-awful poetry, or someone else murdering Bob Dylan during the open mic hour, or a bunch of bearded folk singers warbling on about peace and love and shit like that. I figured it was a safe bet.

The movie was crap, but I expected it to be. I can't even remember what it was called. _Le singe, le chat, et le fromage_ or something like that. For one, there was no nudity at all (not even a side boob shot) and it was all in black and white. I mean, hello! Colour film has been all the rage for decades! There is a reason for it. Get with the times.

I pretended I liked it for Bronia, though, and made up some shit about it accurately portraying the untrammelled growth of isolationism in our society. I'm not sure isolationism is even a word, or maybe it doesn't mean what I thought it meant, but she bought it, and was quite happy to accompany me to the bar.

Since Dan works part-time at Kunstbar, I was able to get one of the booths right away (which impressed Bronia). I ordered two neat vodkas on the rocks and returned to the booth. She listened with rapt attention as I related what happened in the afternoon at the function and she started fluttering her eyelashes at me, which, in my experience, is a sure-fire indicator that all is going well. A couple of drinks later, I suggested we retire to somewhere a little more private. Bronia agreed, and I excused myself – needing to take a whiz before getting down to business.

On the way to the men's room, I ran into Professor Kato. I was quite surprised to see him, since he doesn't usually go in for student hangouts. He looked a bit furtive and shifty, but I didn't call him on it because I was halfway to drunkenness and had other things on my mind. At any rate, I said a quick and cheerful hello before moving on.

Twenty minutes later, Bronia and I arrived at the apartment. She was smiling up at me and laughing at all my jokes. Damn, it makes me mad because she was so ready to go then! Bloody Oro spoiling it for me.

Anyway, I turned the keys in the lock and motioned for Bronia to step inside first. Chivalry thy name is Jiriaya. I am nothing if not a perfect gentleman. She giggled and walked in, and I followed.

"The lounge's just up ahead, babe," I said, making a right and heading for the kitchen, intending to pour us two glasses of whisky. "Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a sec."

Nodding in a coquettish sort of way, she winked at me and skipped off. In a few seconds, she was back again, looking pale and distressed. She stood there for a bit, fidgeting, while I poured the second glass. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Umm… there's someone in there already."

"Oh, that'll be Oro," I said casually, striding out into the hallway. "He lives here too. I'll just tell him to fuck off and then we can— _HOLY SHIT!!_"

I threw open the door, and there they were. Going at it hammer and fucking tongs on the floor on the rug by the three-bar fire. I made a choked noise in the back of my throat that sounded like, "Gnyurr?!" before I turned, grabbed Bronia by the hand, half-dragged her into my room and slammed the door, laughing nervously and saying, "AHAHAHAHA!! DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! BLOODY ORO! HE SHOULD TELL ME ABOUT THESE THINGS BEFORE HE BRINGS ANYONE BACK!"

And we're still here in my room. Technically, we're prisoners until they're finished.

God, I hope Kato leaves soon. I just heard him say Oro's name and I was sick a little in the back of my mouth.

That's it. I'm never going to that writing group again. I think Bronia's working along the same lines, because she wrinkled her nose and seems disgusted. I don't blame her. The thought of Professor Kato and anyone is a bit much, I guess, never mind actually witnessing it first-hand.

Worse still… oh hell… she's going to think Oro's a man-whore or something, and then she'll wonder why I'm sharing with him!

Right. This is getting serious now. I'm going to have to take action. Can't have my good name sullied by the ungallant conduct of my best friend. To hell with the neighbours! I'm going to turn up the music and try and forget.

And then I'm going to have to go out and get a good bottle of sake tomorrow morning. Man, Oro's going to be so smug. I don't think I'll be able to take it.

Jeez…

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. I'd better get on with it.

Later.

_University of Konoha, student residence. Sapporo apartments.  
13/03/1975 (1:12am)_

_**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**_

Hi there.

Jiraiya again.

Fortunately, I managed to salvage something out of the wreckage that was last night. I got lucky with Bronia, proved my manliness, and I'm seeing her again as a reward next weekend. It is a fact: women can never resist the sexy power of Jiraiya – even in the direst of circumstances.

After she left – happy, satisfied and sexually fulfilled – Oro came sidling in, smirking all over his face. He sat down on the end of my bed (gingerly, I noticed – his arse must be red raw right now) and stared at me until I cracked.

"Fucking hell, Oro," I said, scowling. "You could've told me!"

"I want my sake."

"Look, shut up for a minute, okay. Professor Kato's my—"

"I want my sake."

"Did you do all that just for a bottle of sake?"

"No. I was curious. I wanted to know what it'd be like, as well as proving you wrong."

"And how was it?" I asked waspishly, folding my arms.

"It was good."

"Was it?"

"Yes. I feel inspired now, Jiraiya. Sex concentrates the mind wonderfully. It hurt a bit at first, but I would definitely do it again."

"Yeah…?"

"Yes. I thank you for recommending it to me."

"Err… no problem."

Then Oro stood up, dusting himself down, wearing his usual smug smile.

"Well, I shan't keep you, Jiraiya. You have the trek to the off-licence to make. I want my sake – and none of the usual cheap crap you buy, either!" and he flounced out of my room and closed the door behind him with a bang.

I have to say, I'm still feeling a bit weird about all this. Oro seems the same, but I don't know. He had a determined air about him and a glint in his eye I can't remember seeing on him until now. Troubled, I called Tsunade to tell her about Oro. She laughed like a hyena on crack and is coming to meet me at the off-licence – and then we're going to go back and make fun of Oro.

I'll definitely feel better after that.

Yeah. Insulting Oro always makes everything better.

Well, I've got to go. Don't want Oro on my ass about the sake.

Actually, now that I think about it, scratch that last sentence. I don't want Oro on my ass ever – sake or no sake.

Later.

_University of Konoha, student residence. Sapporo apartments.  
13/03/1975 (14:44pm)_

_**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**_


End file.
